Head above water

I'm focused on writing my story, I can no longer wait for ideas to come to me like magic or just write random epiphanies in my notebook, It makes me feel annoyed with myself. 

In the meantime, I started a programming course that I am very curious and excited about. I'm loving everything.


I'm getting lost sometimes with the logic of the English language, I need to read more and practice listening more, I intend to take the IELTS test next year, I hope to achieve the necessary 7.

I have no more news, I just want to share this photo below that is my view every day. So I'm happy to have that blessing.


Someday I'll have a better camera.

April events

These last few days have been good, I'm grateful because, after all, I have to be, I'm alive. 

I love watching Britney's instagram, I love seeing her smile, happy, authentic, slowly getting back to who she is.

Speaking of instagram, I took a screenshot of Bruna Vieira's story, she is on vacation in Italy and it's all a beautiful thing to admire and dream about.

Once again I arrive before everyone else at a birthday celebration. I'm very punctual, and in fact, there was almost no one in the Bar because it was very early and I went to book a table. While the girls didn't arrive I was drinking, eating and writing, about him of course.

This caipirinha was great.

I took this photo in Rio de Janeiro in 2017 dreaming of seeing my favorite Hard Rock band in the whole world, Gun N' Roses. I will finally be able to see them this year, in September. I can barely wait!

I was born on December 5th, the same birthday as Walt Disney, I like to know that. So that I took my passport for the first time, of course I would make reference to the Disney cartoons that made me dream so much. And it's obvious that my first trip where English is spoken will be in the USA, this magical place that populated my childhood, which is Britney Jean's house, where my favorite movie was filmed: La La Land, the country that practically colonized me, right? ! I'm dreaming of the Santa Monica sunset already.

And on the last day of April I celebrated my cousin's birthday, who I love the company and conversations. I'm very lucky that my cousins are my friends. We went to the mall, watched a Sandra Bullock movie at the cinema, had lunch, gossiped and shopped, everything was perfect.


The photos were bad in quality, but that's what I could do haha

The words that came to me in a crazy daydream moment and I had to let it out!

I'm very sorry to be like that, feel so much and write about all of this, but you know, nobody that I know read this blog so it's ok, no gossip around me in the future.


I needed to show this masterpiece of Brazilian gastronomy that I'm addicted to.
BRIGADEIRO.


My new favorite drink Gin Tonic with Lemon and Ginger!
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I'm with a guy who treats me the way I've always wanted to, in fact he treats me like I never thought I'd be treated. All the experiences with him is always the first times. I feel good by him side, I laugh, it's cool, comfortable, I want him to miss me, actually I like when I see that he watched my stories on instagram and if he does not see I become paranoid, ok, I'm a little possessive girl, but I don't keep thinking all the time about it.


It seems to be out of context, but it was on a relaxing and good afternoon when we went out together, it was a pleasant and memorable day. Do you see that I am happy with a simple moment?!

It's been three months since we've been dating, there's a rule for this period that says that if it goes beyond that period, it turns into dating or nothing, obviously there are exceptions. In our case he's starting to distance himself, nothing is like the first few times, so I'm already waiting for him to finish things between us, because I won't do it first this time.

We met in High School, after 18 years we follow each other on instagram and start chatting, all about it was so simple  and easy, just happened and despite my imagination I'm okay about our relationship, by the way, it's just an affair, he does not my boyfriend and I don't feel that will be, I always wait the end, because this always happen. I'm a pessimist, I don't know, I simply feel that there's no one for me, I don't know what means stay in love with someone, the balance of the feeeling in two humans, I never felt beloved. They always treated me gentle, but you know just for the next step, yes, sex! I'll stop this monologue 'cause I'm feeling stupid.

I don't know how act with the guys, what the game they play in a romance, I barelly know when they are playing.

So I look in the mirror and out of nowhere I think of that guy, he's still a sharp thin line of heartache, pain of rejection and everything we've talked about and demonstrated to each other in the past. I pray the pain will end, I need to keep going, but this pain stays in a box inside me and little sparks ignite sometimes. I need to write about us, a story, not like here in a post, but turn it all into art to finally let it go.

I forgot that I feel so happy writing here, well I'm feeling grateful for this.


This girl, ME, will make all her dreams come true!
(I know that not all my dreams will come true, but I still make this statement)

About the days that hurts, but laughing anyway!

The past two weeks was crazy. Things happened and affect me deeply. So I wait the time heal every melancholy feeling. Today I feel better, but the life brings more moments to take away my peace of mind. Okay, I can handle it, of course, but a needed to write about it, even though I can't show all the details.

Here, I will post pics of moments that means a little me.


I'm officially a student again, and this is the Campus of University, ok I know it seems a horror movie scene, but I like the silence.


Last Sunday I was in my bed and saw the beautiful sky through my window and thought that I was losing time watching Netflix, so I left home and there I was admiring the ocean and people's sparks.


This is the uncomfortably way I work everyday, but what can I do? I just accept.


I'm happy for come back to this place and don't feel bad or come to me weird feelings with the nostalgia of agony from the past. I'm grateful to start a new graduation in the same University that was so bad for me years ago, but now I'm good.


L'âge de Raison - It was the first classic book I read on College, I don't remember anything from the story,  I was eighteen and I didn't understand, but I want to read again.


The perfect match.


Just good choices!


Everyday I think about you, I miss you, although I know that what you always gave to me was crumbs. It's sad that all I have in my life was this little. Well at least I have myself to go on and I'm proud of who I'm becoming, just focusing in my dreams, I'm so happy to know that I'm enough. Men always disapoint me, so I decided no create expectations for the future, I'm always prepared for the end, for the cries that I will tear, but I will always turn the suffer into art.

Good days!

I decided to enjoy the holiday on the beach, so my cousin and I rented a place there. Everything in that place and the time on the beach was peaceful and we had a lot of fun. All the money spent there was worth it haha




I'd like to say abcdefu to you, but I'll never sing this song

All the movies about love, the voice of the man I'm with, things I like, achievements I make, remind me of you. You will always be my empty glass. Keeping you away hurts me when something reminds me of you.


🙇

Good things will come!

The beggining of this year have been full of changes, this moment in my life is urgent, becoming who I want to be definetely is a motor to live with purpose and goals to make my wishes happening and my dreams come true.

I finally said to M. that I'm in love, but he doesn't love me back so I cut him of my social media and life, deep inside in my heart I knew he doesn't loved me, It's sad but is a liberating feeling know the true, I'm free to love again and I'm going to. I am not feeling too bad like I thought that I would be. Let go was necessary. Ok I will feel the right weight of give up in a moment soon if I think about it, but I decided no to think anymore, life goes on and I need to live. 

We could be a good team and have a lot of good moments, but never will happen, and the word never I'ts sad, but OK I will love again, I believe in the best of God for me, my life is Yours, I belong to Him, so I believe that I will be happy with someone. I admit is painful when you love a man and you don't mean anything for him, It's a type of pain that is unspeakable. Ok whatever!

Ok then, but let's to the good news. 

I started to plan new jobs and decide close my graduation course for a while.

I'm here at the work eating a chocolate cake and writing this with my heart full of hope and determination, I'm excited to make my goals with pieces of real aim, not only things in my imagination.

I published my first book of poetry on Amazon and I'm so happy, finally! The next one will come soon.


I would like to share with him, but I need to heal my heart, It's no time to do this. I know all of my next stories he will be an inspiration, he still a part of me. This is it! Excited for new time in my life. 

Today I'm tired.

I'm so tired to fight for a better life, to be successful, I'm tired to try learn something everyday about everything to feel useful, discover a new way to make more money to make my dreams come true. I need try to keep my mind in peace with no need to worries. 

I need to rest, just for a moment sit down in a place and think about nothing urgent or that make me grow like a person. I'm so sad that the most things I need right now I'm obliged to make money. I just need breathe and forget this world for a little time.

Today I'm tired.


Little things that make me feel relaxed.

A good time to live

I used to say that my favorite place is the beach, but my favorite place is when I'm in movement, walking in nature or discovering new cities. Anyway, I went to the beach the weekend before last and I would like to share the best moments here.


I never ever went to that beach before, it's called Gunga, but was love at the first sight. It's amazing, looks like a paradise.


I just thank God for having given me this unique moment.

Traveling inside and out of me!

 Finally I traveled alone, everything made by me, and I'm glad that I conquest this. 

And I learned a lot!!


At first I felt strange emotions, like I was out of my body and someone else was watching everything inside me, so I tried to make that moment very real but not keeping a pressure about my mind that the moment was the reality, I tried not to paralize because of my confusion, so in my face it seems that was natural and normal but I was feeling a lot of thinks and sensations that I couldn't explain. 

I was in shock to experience something that seemed so far from my reality, all this is a begining of a dream, a spark of something bigger, so I asked myself to believe that was true and was really happening, It's sounds a little crazy all of this or weird but I was nervous and very anxious, anyhow I kept what needed to and gone. I followed the flow and did deep breathe.


Spending some time in the city I felt more comfortable despite the anxiety because of the time passing, because I planned to go many places. This is something I plan to organize better next time. 

Being alone makes me doubly aware so it's likely that I haven't been more relaxed about it and haven't seen and felt the magic of the city and its people.



I didn't miss friends or family with me, but I missed sharing with the man I loved. I've been imagining all the time in everything or everywhere what it could be like if I was in love, this feeling of lack made me sad at times, I was very surprised because of that. 

I don't know why when I lost hope of getting involved, this need to be loved romantically comes. this is all so sad and makes me feel guilty for letting myself get caught up in this breeze. Well, it was just the moment, I understand. I already know how to live with it anyway. I think the moment of solitude was very important, but now I'll know how to manage my emotions and now I'll enjoy the moment more on the next trip.

Restoring completed

It's been a while, I didn't realize how much I need this, see the beach, contemplate the vastness of the sea. I perceive how much I'm small before it, but anyway I feel special because I can see the great revelation of the power of nature.


One day I'll be free of you

The days go by and I think less about you, now my imagination bring a person that I never met, my fantasy dance with a ghost without name, him figure isn't here, exist in a future but will not be true anyway, this is me trying to escape averyday from you. So when I realize that is not you in my mind I stay relief... After that my heart feel sad, this is a thing that I can't control, you still here a little.


It's a unique love that can be genuinely returned

My letter to Britney Spears #freebritney

Dear Britney,

The words inside me about you fill my heart and I can't express all this love and proud of the person that you are. Your talent, grace, kindness, criativity, profissionalism, laugh and sweet heart make this world a better and beautiful place. You are a bless for all your fans. Your shine bright at any place when you are in. You light up this world

I was 14 years old when I saw you on Lucky music video. I was catched at first sight, I was in love instantly. You're magic, you was born to make us happy, like you said in a song. Your happines is contagious. You deserve respect! You are a person, a human be, you can do mistakes, you can do anything about your life, it's your rights, you deserve love, peace and all the things you want for. You are brave and I always be here supporting you, you inspires me with your tender and determination. I love you so much fairy lady

Your history is a big inspiration for me, your hard work, your fight to make your dreams come true, but more than this your vision of the music and iconic performances are incomparable. You always do a excellet job, you are a strong woman in search of your voice and you are a survivor. I have no words that I could describes how much special you are. You made history, you defined a generation, there's only one Britney, no one can be comparated to you, you are unique. Luv U 4 ever

Today is the day that you can be free and this is my pray God bless you Keep going I love you

image

Good times!

It's so dificult to know that someone feel bad with themselves because of me, about somethig I said or did. But what make me feel better is admit my mistakes and I ask for apologies, so I wait the time clean all that bad sensations, so I go on.

I'm learning to forgive myself, ask for help, admit my insecurities and my limitations. All this reflections made me do a pause on my writing: I don't know if I really have talent or I just want to believe in it. The only thing I know is write make me feel alive and trully happy to put out all the words that make me feel trapped in the chains of my soul there in that dark place. 

I need start my write as soon as possible. I'm talk to myself in this moment repeating it over and over.

Ok, the good times, about the title of this post is beacuse I keep knowing myself.


About memories...

Yesterday I was searching for a picture to show to my cousins a place that I visited. So I roll down the photos and I could remember all my sensations at that time, I felt a grateful remember.

I posted at social media a long time ago but erased in some point, and the reason over it I don't know anymore. But I want to print all of pics that make me happy just at a look, make an album and let it on my bookshelf beside my favorite stories, after all, a photo album tells stories like books.


I miss the beach a lot. I have so much inspiration, I like to dream and let the imagination flow, I feel a new person, my soul meets my heart and they dance. I am romantic, you know! I am a romantic creature but I can't express it to people, I'd like to know how get out of my prisons. I'ts a journey, I'll keep building my castle with soft bricks. I love a metaphor and synesthesia, sorry.


I'm a privileged person to was born in a litoral city. Thank God! Hope you have a good place to go and feel free and motivated to go on.

Things that I'm going through...

I am learning Russian language and it's have been an strange, funny and exciting adventure, it's a beautiful alphabet.

I keep going idealising that guy because I need the feeling, I can't end up 'cause I really need to write about what I feel, I never felt like this before, this sentiment is rich altough sad, so it can't ended now. I know I'm a masoquist.

I think that he tries to help me to leave him. He doesn't talk to me, doesn't miss me in any way, he never ask me what I feel, what I'm doing, what's happening in my life, whats fucking goin' on and etc. The fact is that I never knew a guy with a sensibility for life like him, with respect with women work, that know himself and the fusion of feelings inside heart and mind, it's difficult to leave him 'cause he reads my crazy things, he give me support about what I write and dream, he encourages me, he is sweet, I've never found a cute guy, he is. And God it's so hard to let him go.

I would like tell him what I feel and he finally could say that doesn't feel the same, but not yet, or maybe I should 'cause this is the right feel that I really need to, because this would be the truth, all the rest that I've been through is a lie, is my imagination, desilusions, stupidness, misundesrtoodness.

Put this words out was the best thing right now, the truth is so much better, is a relief, actually. I should tell him. Courage girl, take courage and go. Don't think too much. COURAGE!

Who knows.

  

Let it be...

How much more I read, discover new places on internet, watch new series on Netflix, more asleep feelings reborn.

I'm a creative person, I need develop art anywhere and in anything. I live to see all the colours, smell all the flowers, the beauty of the nature per si is art in essence, so the inspiration come very easy to me.


Rock bottom

Suddenly I feel the necessity of write here, it's a good thing, because I'm in a moment of chaos.

I'm worried yes but I wont die about it.

If I could give me a advice when I was a young girl is:  

Sweet girl live with responsibility remember of your limitations! 

Treat yourself with respect, affection  and tenderness. 

The death and the beginning


I kept this weekend thinking about premature death and why call death of premature?

Paulo Gustavo is, because he never will disapear, he will be forever here because his legacy is full of joy, when I remember him I stay sad and after that I give a big smile or a laugh, and this obliged me to think that is true what the people say: what you make the people feel never go away, is here all the beautiful and happy things that he made just to make us feel well and grateful, so he is here. He is.

We don't need to be friends to feel sad with the leaving of a person from this material world because the art bring us closer, we recognize ourselfs like human with this power, touch the heart is a gift and anyone can do this with love. Obviously he is a singular human be, theres no other like him. We are not the same person and this is a good and perfect thing. His talent is make we laugh and he used it for the best way. Use yours.

We have our journey and we should live winning against the fear. I'm not saying live with the intensity of a radical sport but helping people, say words that elevate and encouraging people, fighting for our rights without hurting anyone, give them our presence and our ears. Share confort and teach love.

I really think that death come in the right time. What we do with our lives make the journey worth it. We have to live like we don't have time to be afraid of take risks. When somebody dead I think about it and planned myself to go to my dreams. I will die oh yes but I wanna do my things!

So I will start a fire.