Torn

I believe that decisions are the main concern of adult life, all the paths we can take to get through life, how do we find out which one is the best? The right path?

How discover if I am the best person?

How analyze my defeats and mature my decisions through them?

How to know myself?

After that, how I put everything into perspective, how never to fall into my stupid decisions again and again?

How avoid falling into the traps that I create for myself?

Maybe I can accept and understand that life is a continuous decision-making process. 

That nothing lasts forever!

That's life, isn't it? Every day, decisions and more decisions...

I fight for the magic

I fall for the romance in imagination

because the only things I had were cruelty, sadness, abuse, the ugly feelings, What I saw was grey

So I run to beauty

I would like to be the person who doesn't get confused easily with their own plans, even the projects that were certain months ago start to lose strength, maybe because I always doubt myself. I don't know.

I am extremely bored with myself and with my plans.

So you arrived...

and lift me up. Brought me new colors.

Taught me patience, compassion and gave me a new horizon.

I want to run, but you take my hand and make me floating like flowers on the river.

This feeling is new.

"I once believed love would be (Black and white)
But it's golden (Golden)"

♥

Welcome 2024!

It's been a while, I know I was procrastinating, but I'm here now! Welcome 2024!

 I'm still guiding my steps to the unknown, because, yes, life is so crazy and nice like that.

This place is my homework to improve my english so I can't give up.

Since this year has born I'm rereading all the Ali Hazelwood's books and being very happy. I bought some others books, maybe 10? Probably, I don't know the number exactly.

I was thinking about myself these days and I realize that I'm very easy to be catched by boredon, whatever the subject, It's hard to be focused in some goal because I'm like alcohool I evaporate easily. I don't know, but my feelings change like seasons, I'm afraid to lose what I believed to be a dream or maybe all this make part of life, change ideas and perspectives, maybe I need put all I really want in a paper and write seriouslly about it.

Sometimes I lose my hope projecting the life of my dreams, every kind of my wishes seems impossible, I mean... What I want in that moment of my life seems to me so far away from reality and I'm feel incapable to turn all of it concrete.

The process of learning english alone is unrealistic, well I don't have a process actually, shame on me. I need a grammar for sure, but read books and posts on internet in english has improving my vocabulary, buuuut the most dificult I have in this process is build a sentence.

There are many stories in my head to be told, but the words need to come together on paper.

Read Emily Henry's book Beach Read is so fun and captivating besides of inspiring me to write! Who knows what I can do with this!

This is my mind putting tricks on me. I'm overthinking now so I will write in my diary. xoxo

(I was going to start writing a post, but I saw this draft written on 01/26 forgotten here, so I'm publishing it now. It's good to try writing in English again.

Viva La Vida!

It's crazy to think about the relationships that I had.

In a short or long term, whatever, but particularly those last two, I wish I could have made it last for months, the feeling was good and magic, the enchantment was true, ok this all shit doesn't mean that I would like to be a girlfriend, because I don't know how to act like that.

What I really want to say, before my mind navigate trough my thinks, is the two last guys did the basics, now I see, the way they treated me,  the other guys never treated me like a person to conquest with all their efforts put on this, seems like I was easy, guaranted, a logic answer.

The last two ones did better, but not enough. Why I know this? Beacuse of the experiences of the others women, so now I know what I deserve.

This is it.

💕

Suprise bugaboo!

Well, I've had my profound emotions rained here before.

Something changed in my mind because I see you now. 

You annoyed me. What I must confess that was a good thing because I took you off the pedestal.

And I ask myself how could I suffer like that?

Ok, my ego, my hope, my expectations and my magic dreamed romance was destroyed , its ok I’m a human, I learned my lesson well.

Never again I’ll give my heart in that way. 

Never again I’ll believe so soon.

.

I just need to talk about you...

I'm sad again. 

I need to finish this season for good. 

I'm tired of all the memories.

Besides all the logic answers, never been chosen hurts so much.

I try to understand the feeling and writing about everything that happened it

could heal my heart.

You were a blow, against all my ideas about myself.

How could someone mean so much in such a short time? 

I'm totally rational, how could I be involved by such emotion? 

How could I believe? 

Oh those songs fill my head as an indictment of who I really am. 

There's a confusion of sensations in my chest that doesn't want to go. 

I'm left with the sadness again. 

You came into my life like I've never expected,  at all.

Your sweet disposition.

Your opening heart.

Your courage in express yourself

- now a lot of doubts bloom in my mind about your real intentions - 

Anyway

Your words that fitted on mine.

Our same thoughts, our minds that matched, like our bodies once did.

Our funny moments

Your peaceful company

Our easy conversation

Your smell, your touch, your smile, your skin, how could I forget it?

You know, maybe I lose myself in my fantasy, but you were all I wanted.

The feeling of lose you is hard, but the time is going on and I'll keep moving my steps foward and in the right time you'll be just a remember

I only catch the wonderful time we've pass together, It was perfect in every single part

Could I forget hugged you? Your skin, could I forget when I kissed you? How could I? 

This simple words mean how simple, good, easy, confy, natural and tender was when we were together.

Writing about you I feel the confort like if you were here. 

I'm overreacting on my feelings, people can think, but I don't care, everything here is real, I felt it, so this is it!

When I remember all our conversations the feeling is so good, soft, free, fresh, funny, smells like teen spirit.

Probably I will never see you again, but for the first time I can say: I had all I want despite the time we spent together, I had it all. There's no regrets.

In spite of the confusion that comes sometimes in reason to believe in some things. Well I dont have to search to answers anymore. I'm totally out of your life.

I'll writing about you until I need it, until I feel in my heart that you're gone.

You gave me a taste of what I deserve, how I have to be loved, care and heard.

I've learned a lot of lessons and finally I can see my hope breaking into pieces, one by one I see them falling.

The resistance to this is driving me ill.

The songs...

A lot of lyrics speak how I feel, so I am not the only one.

I confess, I would like to see you, see you walking around street, distracted, without noticing me.

Just one day and everything has change

I dont want to write how fair were all that

Oh shit... I never met your dog

I can't erase your messages

Shit

This whole shit is a big shit

I feel I can't talk about you to anyone, but I do it anyway

One day I'll be tired enough and I'll forget you

I trust it

I am alone and only think about us

I search for you in the middle of the people

I can't see other guys with expectations again, they don't atract me, fuck I don't wanna that magic for now, I need time

This silence between us is our remedy

Hurts me, but It's necessary

It does our feelings turning in line

In perspective

Calm is the key

But holy shit I am wondering again about our possible future

This is so embarassing

Cause you know we barely know each other, this shit is crazy

I hope that I can write about you like I was an audience of my life

After you I understand what I felt about the other guys.

I can imagine the decisions you made, I can think about you in every aspects, I mean, about your mind, I have my conclusions, I can judge you, but you know I realize that I have nothing with this anymore, your history is not my business.

I’ll never forget  you. Today I aceppt that because there will be things in my day that will  remind me of you.

I can’t erase what happened and It’s okay, I learned a lot, more than I could write here or explain myself. 

To be honest  when I remember you I smile.

A new experience travelling alone.

OK, I must confess that I'm a person who have a necessity of travel, who doesn't, but traveling alone!! I adore being surrounded by friends because I have so much fun obviously, buuuuut man!! Travelling alone is the best damn thing that I ever did. 

I love flying, planes have been my passion since I was a teenager when I wanted to be a pilot. Turbulence doesn't bother me anymore, but sudden descents always make my stomach churn haha and when I get on the plane the feeling of freedom and independence is instantaneous.

I love visiting big cities because it always seems to me that there is something new to do.

Big old cities are full of stories, plus the diversity of people is huge. 

I feel so blessed to have that experience, and also sad for other reasons that I can't say.

Ah obviously the food, I mean the pleasure of trying new foods.

I was happy here!

Head above water

I'm focused on writing my story, I can no longer wait for ideas to come to me like magic or just write random epiphanies in my notebook, It makes me feel annoyed with myself. 

In the meantime, I started a programming course that I am very curious and excited about. I'm loving everything.

I'm getting lost sometimes with the logic of the English language, I need to read more and practice listening more, I intend to take the IELTS test next year, I hope to achieve the necessary 7.

I have no more news, I just want to share this photo below that is my view every day. So I'm happy to have that blessing.

Someday I'll have a better camera.

♥

April events

These last few days have been good, I'm grateful because, after all, I have to be, I'm alive. 

I love watching Britney's instagram, I love seeing her smile, happy, authentic, slowly getting back to who she is.

Speaking of instagram, I took a screenshot of Bruna Vieira's story, she is on vacation in Italy and it's all a beautiful thing to admire and dream about.

♥

Once again I arrive before everyone else at a birthday celebration. I'm very punctual, and in fact, there was almost no one in the Bar because it was very early and I went to book a table. While the girls didn't arrive I was drinking, eating and writing, about him of course.

This caipirinha was great.

I took this photo in Rio de Janeiro in 2017 dreaming of seeing my favorite Hard Rock band in the whole world, Gun N' Roses. I will finally be able to see them this year, in September. I can barely wait!

I was born on December 5th, the same birthday as Walt Disney, I like to know that. So that I took my passport for the first time, of course I would make reference to the Disney cartoons that made me dream so much. And it's obvious that my first trip where English is spoken will be in the USA, this magical place that populated my childhood, which is Britney Jean's house, where my favorite movie was filmed: La La Land, the country that practically colonized me, right? ! I'm dreaming of the Santa Monica sunset already.

♥

And on the last day of April I celebrated my cousin's birthday, who I love the company and conversations. I'm very lucky that my cousins are my friends. We went to the mall, watched a Sandra Bullock movie at the cinema, had lunch, gossiped and shopped, everything was perfect.

The photos were bad in quality, but that's what I could do haha

♥

The words that came to me in a crazy daydream moment and I had to let it out!

I'm very sorry to be like that, feel so much and write about all of this, but you know, nobody that I know read this blog so it's ok, no gossip around me in the future.

I needed to show this masterpiece of Brazilian gastronomy that I'm addicted to.

BRIGADEIRO.

My new favorite drink Gin Tonic with Lemon and Ginger!

♥

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I'm with a guy who treats me the way I've always wanted to, in fact he treats me like I never thought I'd be treated. All the experiences with him is always the first times. I feel good by him side, I laugh, it's cool, comfortable, I want him to miss me, actually I like when I see that he watched my stories on instagram and if he does not see I become paranoid, ok, I'm a little possessive girl, but I don't keep thinking all the time about it.

It seems to be out of context, but it was on a relaxing and good afternoon when we went out together, it was a pleasant and memorable day. Do you see that I am happy with a simple moment?!

It's been three months since we've been dating, there's a rule for this period that says that if it goes beyond that period, it turns into dating or nothing, obviously there are exceptions. In our case he's starting to distance himself, nothing is like the first few times, so I'm already waiting for him to finish things between us, because I won't do it first this time.

We met in High School, after 18 years we follow each other on instagram and start chatting, all about it was so simple  and easy, just happened and despite my imagination I'm okay about our relationship, by the way, it's just an affair, he does not my boyfriend and I don't feel that will be, I always wait the end, because this always happen. I'm a pessimist, I don't know, I simply feel that there's no one for me, I don't know what means stay in love with someone, the balance of the feeeling in two humans, I never felt beloved. They always treated me gentle, but you know just for the next step, yes, sex! I'll stop this monologue 'cause I'm feeling stupid.

I don't know how act with the guys, what the game they play in a romance, I barelly know when they are playing.

So I look in the mirror and out of nowhere I think of that guy, he's still a sharp thin line of heartache, pain of rejection and everything we've talked about and demonstrated to each other in the past. I pray the pain will end, I need to keep going, but this pain stays in a box inside me and little sparks ignite sometimes. I need to write about us, a story, not like here in a post, but turn it all into art to finally let it go.

I forgot that I feel so happy writing here, well I'm feeling grateful for this.

This girl, ME, will make all her dreams come true!

(I know that not all my dreams will come true, but I still make this statement)

♥

About the days that hurts, but laughing anyway!

The past two weeks was crazy. Things happened and affect me deeply. So I wait the time heal every melancholy feeling. Today I feel better, but the life brings more moments to take away my peace of mind. Okay, I can handle it, of course, but a needed to write about it, even though I can't show all the details.

Here, I will post pics of moments that means a little me.

I'm officially a student again, and this is the Campus of University, ok I know it seems a horror movie scene, but I like the silence.

Last Sunday I was in my bed and saw the beautiful sky through my window and thought that I was losing time watching Netflix, so I left home and there I was admiring the ocean and people's sparks.

This is the uncomfortably way I work everyday, but what can I do? I just accept.

I'm happy for come back to this place and don't feel bad or come to me weird feelings with the nostalgia of agony from the past. I'm grateful to start a new graduation in the same University that was so bad for me years ago, but now I'm good.

L'âge de Raison - It was the first classic book I read on College, I don't remember anything from the story,  I was eighteen and I didn't understand, but I want to read again.

The perfect match.

Just good choices!

♥

Everyday I think about you, I miss you, although I know that what you always gave to me was crumbs. It's sad that all I have in my life was this little. Well at least I have myself to go on and I'm proud of who I'm becoming, just focusing in my dreams, I'm so happy to know that I'm enough. Men always disapoint me, so I decided no create expectations for the future, I'm always prepared for the end, for the cries that I will tear, but I will always turn the suffer into art.

♥

Good days!

I decided to enjoy the holiday on the beach, so my cousin and I rented a place there. Everything in that place and the time on the beach was peaceful and we had a lot of fun. All the money spent there was worth it haha

♥

I'd like to say abcdefu to you, but I'll never sing this song

All the movies about love, the voice of the man I'm with, things I like, achievements I make, remind me of you. You will always be my empty glass. Keeping you away hurts me when something reminds me of you.

🙇

Good things will come!

The beggining of this year have been full of changes, this moment in my life is urgent, becoming who I want to be definetely is a motor to live with purpose and goals to make my wishes happening and my dreams come true.

I finally said to M. that I'm in love, but he doesn't love me back so I cut him of my social media and life, deep inside in my heart I knew he doesn't loved me, It's sad but is a liberating feeling know the true, I'm free to love again and I'm going to. I am not feeling too bad like I thought that I would be. Let go was necessary. Ok I will feel the right weight of give up in a moment soon if I think about it, but I decided no to think anymore, life goes on and I need to live. 

We could be a good team and have a lot of good moments, but never will happen, and the word never I'ts sad, but OK I will love again, I believe in the best of God for me, my life is Yours, I belong to Him, so I believe that I will be happy with someone. I admit is painful when you love a man and you don't mean anything for him, It's a type of pain that is unspeakable. Ok whatever!

Ok then, but let's to the good news. 

I started to plan new jobs and decide close my graduation course for a while.

I'm here at the work eating a chocolate cake and writing this with my heart full of hope and determination, I'm excited to make my goals with pieces of real aim, not only things in my imagination.

I published my first book of poetry on Amazon and I'm so happy, finally! The next one will come soon.

I would like to share with him, but I need to heal my heart, It's no time to do this. I know all of my next stories he will be an inspiration, he still a part of me. This is it! Excited for new time in my life. 

♥

Today I'm tired.

I'm so tired to fight for a better life, to be successful, I'm tired to try learn something everyday about everything to feel useful, discover a new way to make more money to make my dreams come true. I need try to keep my mind in peace with no need to worries. 

I need to rest, just for a moment sit down in a place and think about nothing urgent or that make me grow like a person. I'm so sad that the most things I need right now I'm obliged to make money. I just need breathe and forget this world for a little time.

Today I'm tired.

Little things that make me feel relaxed.

♥

A good time to live

I used to say that my favorite place is the beach, but my favorite place is when I'm in movement, walking in nature or discovering new cities. Anyway, I went to the beach the weekend before last and I would like to share the best moments here.

I never ever went to that beach before, it's called Gunga, but was love at the first sight. It's amazing, looks like a paradise.

♥

♥

I just thank God for having given me this unique moment.

♥

Traveling inside and out of me!

 Finally I traveled alone, everything made by me, and I'm glad that I conquest this. 

And I learned a lot!!

At first I felt strange emotions, like I was out of my body and someone else was watching everything inside me, so I tried to make that moment very real but not keeping a pressure about my mind that the moment was the reality, I tried not to paralize because of my confusion, so in my face it seems that was natural and normal but I was feeling a lot of thinks and sensations that I couldn't explain. 

I was in shock to experience something that seemed so far from my reality, all this is a begining of a dream, a spark of something bigger, so I asked myself to believe that was true and was really happening, It's sounds a little crazy all of this or weird but I was nervous and very anxious, anyhow I kept what needed to and gone. I followed the flow and did deep breathe.

Spending some time in the city I felt more comfortable despite the anxiety because of the time passing, because I planned to go many places. This is something I plan to organize better next time. 

Being alone makes me doubly aware so it's likely that I haven't been more relaxed about it and haven't seen and felt the magic of the city and its people.

I didn't miss friends or family with me, but I missed sharing with the man I loved. I've been imagining all the time in everything or everywhere what it could be like if I was in love, this feeling of lack made me sad at times, I was very surprised because of that. 

I don't know why when I lost hope of getting involved, this need to be loved romantically comes. this is all so sad and makes me feel guilty for letting myself get caught up in this breeze. Well, it was just the moment, I understand. I already know how to live with it anyway. I think the moment of solitude was very important, but now I'll know how to manage my emotions and now I'll enjoy the moment more on the next trip.

♥

Restoring completed

It's been a while, I didn't realize how much I need this, see the beach, contemplate the vastness of the sea. I perceive how much I'm small before it, but anyway I feel special because I can see the great revelation of the power of nature.

♥

One day I'll be free of you

The days go by and I think less about you, now my imagination bring a person that I never met, my fantasy dance with a ghost without name, him figure isn't here, exist in a future but will not be true anyway, this is me trying to escape averyday from you. So when I realize that is not you in my mind I stay relief... After that my heart feel sad, this is a thing that I can't control, you still here a little.

It's a unique love that can be genuinely returned ♥

My letter to Britney Spears #freebritney

Dear Britney,

The words inside me about you fill my heart and I can't express all this love and proud of the person that you are. Your talent, grace, kindness, criativity, profissionalism, laugh and sweet heart make this world a better and beautiful place. You are a bless for all your fans. Your shine bright at any place when you are in. You light up this world ♥

I was 14 years old when I saw you on Lucky music video. I was catched at first sight, I was in love instantly. You're magic, you was born to make us happy, like you said in a song. Your happines is contagious. You deserve respect! You are a person, a human be, you can do mistakes, you can do anything about your life, it's your rights, you deserve love, peace and all the things you want for. You are brave and I always be here supporting you, you inspires me with your tender and determination. I love you so much fairy lady ♥

Your history is a big inspiration for me, your hard work, your fight to make your dreams come true, but more than this your vision of the music and iconic performances are incomparable. You always do a excellet job, you are a strong woman in search of your voice and you are a survivor. I have no words that I could describes how much special you are. You made history, you defined a generation, there's only one Britney, no one can be comparated to you, you are unique. Luv U 4 ever ♥

Today is the day that you can be free and this is my pray ♥ God bless you ♥ Keep going ♥ I love you ♥

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♥