It’s so hard being myself, living the way I live, losing the game with my brain, and falling again into my weaknesses—always making the same mistake, or just varying the level of it. It’s sad to see that I can’t be fully involved. It’s so easy to bring up bad feelings about myself, seeing only my flaws. I always think I don’t have anything that would make him stay with me. I don’t see anything that makes him want to stay longer; I don’t feel anything attractive about me, as a person, that would make him fall in love. I have little quirks. I don’t want to show my weaknesses, because I rarely see myself beyond them.
There are bad days—today is one of them—when I’m depressed for being too human. I protect myself from sadness by ending relationships before my partners do, because I’ve already been rejected before. But between us, everything is wonderful. We agree in our idiosyncrasies, we have fun, and there are many positive aspects between us. Still, I think I have very little to offer. I don’t think I’m good enough in bed; he’s perfect.
Today I’m sad because I feel it will be only a matter of days until it ends. I can’t see beyond that. After all, he never showed affection the way M did, even though he was far away. He never gave me anything out of affection, and it’s been three months together. This is so exhausting.
♥
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